


Crumbling, Broken Messes

by flashytonystark



Series: #PsychicGinger... I Ship It [7]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV), Game of Thrones RPF, Modern Westeros - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - A Song of Ice and Fire, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Westeros, Angst, Angst and Feels, Arguing, Bad Decisions, Break Up, Broken, Broken Promises, Couple, Dark, Developing Relationship, Dialogue, Difficult Decisions, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Falling Apart, Favorite, Fear, Feelings, Fights, Game of Thrones-esque, Girlfriend, Heavy Angst, Hurt, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Ship It, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Inner Dialogue, Inspired by Game of Thrones, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Lack of Communication, Leaving, Lies, Living Together, Loss of Trust, Modern Era, Modern Westeros, Nervousness, Non-Canon Relationship, POV First Person, Pain, Past Relationship(s), Present Tense, Problems, Relationship Problems, Relationship(s), Screaming, Secrets, Serious, Struggle, Tension, Trust, Trust Issues, Unresolved Emotional Tension, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Yelling, boyfriend - Freeform, on edge, potential break up, upset
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 04:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6179845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashytonystark/pseuds/flashytonystark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>I know keeping secrets from Jojen was stupid, but I never intended for it to get this bad, to get this deep. But things did. And I continued keeping him in the dark, pushing him away in an attempt to keep him from finding out how fucked up everything was. I never intended to hurt him, and I just hope that he can see that.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crumbling, Broken Messes

**Author's Note:**

> **Please note that this is an AU ficlet and is not meant to connect to/with or disrupt the overall Jojen/Sansa story line in the "#PsychicGinger...I Ship It" series. 
> 
> The events of this ficlet are included in the series because it is based on the Jojen/Sansa pairing but can also stand alone apart from the other parts of "#PsychicGinger" — this is a random drabble; my precious baby beans are still happy & very much in love

_I must look just like a fool, here_  
_in the middle of the road._  
_Standing there in your rear-view_  
_and getting soaked to the bone,"_

**....**

  
“Hello? Earth to Sansa.”  
  
I look up from staring absentmindedly at my hands in my lap and shake my head. “Wh-What? Sorry… I was just thinking.”  
  
Jojen sighs heavily and puts the stack of note cards he was holding back onto the table and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. I can tell he’s getting frustrated with me; he should be more than frustrated, but that’s my Jojen for you… Never wanting to cause an argument unless it’s completely necessary. It’s one of the things I love about him.  
  
“Baby…” he says tiredly, looking down at his hands as they dangle loosely between his legs.  
  
“D-Don't… Please don't.” I whisper, my voice laced with desperation. I don’t think I can do this. Not now at least.  
  
“Why won't you talk to me?” He pleads, running a hand over his face before sitting back in the chair. The pleading in his voice catches me off guard. “You haven't talked to me in weeks, Sansa. Not like you used to. Do you really think I don't know something is going on? Look at you! You're a mess. You're not sleeping. Your grades are slipping and—.”  
  
I cut him off by scooting my chair back and getting to my feet, my puffy and red eyes brimming with tears. Again. I hate how much I’ve been crying lately, especially in front of him. I shouldn’t be crying; I did this to myself and now I have to fix it because no one else can.  
  
“I don't talk to you because I _can't_. If you… If you...”  
  
“If I what?” He whispers, his voice eerily quiet.  
  
“I can't do this.” I gulp, wrapping my arms around my waist and squeezing my eyes shut. “I can't. I can't. I can't.”  
  
Jojen gets up and comes over to me and wraps his arms tightly around my body as he presses his face into the crook of my neck while I erupt into broken sobs that I can no longer keep inside.  
  
“Baby, _please_. Please tell me what's been going on with you; I thought we were past all of the secrets.” He whispers and I tense. I can’t tell him. I have to, I owe it to him at least. But I don’t know if I can actually form the words and say them to him, face to face.  
  
“P-Promise me you w-won't get mad.”  
  
Jojen strokes my hair and sighs heavily, feeling how I continue trembling under his touch. “Baby, please.”  
  
I wriggle out of his grip and take his hand in mine and pull him out of the kitchen. I lead him back into the living room where I sit back down on the couch, immediately pulling my legs under myself.  
  
I look like hell. Feel like hell too. And by judging the way Jojen follows after me and sits down, he feels like hell too. Of course he feels like hell. Who wouldn’t after the weeks of constant worry that I’ve caused him. I’ve been coming home late, giving him lame excuses about how my phone died so I was unable to call or send him a text. I’ve been skipping out on lunch dates with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays even though I know that’s the only time I’ll get to see him until late that evening because he has to go to work straight after classes are over. I know I’m causing him to worry and it’s eating me up inside. That’s why I have to tell him. He deserves it. He deserves so much more than me and my secrets.  
  
I know keeping secrets from Jojen was stupid, but I never intended for it to get this bad, to get this deep. But things did. And I continued keeping him in the dark, pushing him away in an attempt to keep him from finding out how fucked up everything was. I never intended to hurt him, and I just hope that he can see that. I take a shaky breath and put my hands in my lap, not able to quite meet his eyes.  
  


_"This land is flat as it is mean._  
_A man can see for a hundred miles._  
_So I'm still praying I might see_  
_the glow of a brake light."_

  
  
“Jojen… I…”  
  
“Fuck, Sansa! For the love of the Seven, just tell me what’s going on.” He snaps, and I can’t help but recoil a little at his harsh words. I know he’s just tired (it is after midnight) and irate, and probably a little nervous. I chance a glance up at him and he’s threading his long fingers through his messy hair repeatedly, confirming that he’s nervous about what I’m about to say.  
  
He should be.  
  
I look back down and close my eyes as tears threaten to fall again. “I should have told you sooner, but I’ve been… I’ve been seeing Joffrey.” I can feel all the air vanish from the room as he sucks in a sharp breath and my head snaps up and the words start tumbling from my mouth in an attempt to make him understand. “No, no, no! Not like that!” I practically shout when I see the look on his face.  
  
To be honest, the look he’s giving me is tearing me up inside. I deserve the pain. I know I do.  
  
“I swear, it’s been nothing like that. I’ve just been seeing—hanging out with him more. There’s been so many issues going on with him and his parents and Cersei is basically suffocating him and he’s been acting strange and I know he just needed a friend and when he called me one night I knew I—.”  
  
“Stop.” He says calmly. Much too calm for my taste, and I’m suddenly on edge.  
  
“Jojen please just listen—.”  
  
“ _No_ Sansa. _You_  listen. You don’t get to keep talking.”  
  
I go quiet and only nod as tears pool at the corners of my eyes and slowly start staining my cheeks. I don’t even make the attempt to wipe them away. I can’t read Jojen’s expression, but I know he’s mad. Furious maybe, and hurt. Definitely hurt. I can see the pain in his eyes, no matter how hard he’s trying to mask it.  
  
“You mean to tell me that you’ve been seeing _Joffrey Baratheon_  for over a _month_? Are you shitting me right now, Sansa? After everything we just went through you go and do _this_? I seriously can’t believe you!” His voice raises in volume the longer he talks and he gets up from the couch, walking to the other side of the room. “You’ve been lying to me this whole time, haven’t you?! After everything that… that… that monster did to you! After everything he put you through, you run back to him as soon as he calls?!”  
  
He’s running his fingers through his hair again and my bottom lip trembles as he turns his back to me. He’s silent for a few moments and I’m afraid he’s not going to speak. When he turns around to face me and he still isn’t speaking, my small and squeaky voice cuts through the tension like a knife.  
  
“Jojen, please…”  
  
“No, Sansa. No. Not this time. You _lied_  to me. You lied to me about something I never thought you’d do. You’ve been letting your grades slip because of some asshole that ripped your world apart. You’ve been coming home late almost every night because you’re with _him_. We don’t talk anymore, you jump at every little thing, you’re constantly on your phone, and you’re not sleeping which causes me to not sleep well, and my anxiety has been through the fucking roof, so much to the point that I’ve had to go back to seeing the university counselors! I stopped seeing them a few months after we started dating because you were good for me. Imagine their surprise when I showed up randomly one day because I couldn’t take it anymore! What the hell was going on in that pretty head of yours, Sansa?! You’re smarter than that! I can’t believe you’ve been lying to me over and over for weeks.” He whispers, his voice no longer laced with malice. He sounds so small, so childlike, and I feel my heart breaking. I did this. Oh god. What have I done?  
  
I bring my hand up to my mouth and cover it and shake my head. He hasn’t been sleeping because my restlessness? And his anxiety is back? Because of _me_? I can feel the bile rising in my throat and I shake my head ‘no’ as if that’ll make all of this stop. That I’ll wake up from this sick, sick dream—no, nightmare.  
  
I get up from the couch and take few steps forward but he takes a step back and holds out a hand.  
  
“Don’t, Sansa. Just don’t.”  
  


  
_"But your wheels just turn_  
_down the road ahead;_  
_if it hurts at all_  
_you ain't shown it yet."_

  
  
I back up slowly until the back of my legs bump into the couch and I almost stumble and fall. Jojen is still standing there, his hands both at his sides with his eyes closed. I wish I knew what he was thinking. On second thought, I think I know what might be going on in his mind and I decide that I really don’t want to know.  
  
He opens his eyes and looks away from me as he crosses the living room with his head down. I wring my hands together and open my mouth to say something… anything, really, but he beats me to it.  
  
“You know he’s gotten back into drugs, right?” he whispers as he stands in the doorway leading to the hall. “It’s all over campus. He’s selling again, and if rumors are true, he’s gotten into Mrs. Lannister’s Xanax prescription.”  
  
“No, he wouldn’t.” I choke out, but even as I go to defend Joffrey, I know Jojen is right. I can see his muscles tense as I immediately jump on the defensive and his reaction deflates me a little. I keep fucking up and I don’t know how to stop.  
  
Jojen turns around and I’m taken aback when I realize he’s been standing with his back to me and crying. “He’s been using you, Sans, and you've been letting him! How can you not see that? You’ve always been a game to him, someone he can toy with until he gets bored or he breaks you. He’s started to break you again and honestly, I don’t know if I have it in me to pick up the pieces and put them back together for a second time.”

  
  
_"I keep looking for_  
_the slightest sign that you might miss_  
_what you left behind._  
_I know there's nothing stopping you now,_  
_but I'd settle for a slowdown."_

  
  
What? No, he can’t be saying what I think he’s saying.  
  
“Sansa, I love you. You know I love you with all of my heart, but I’m exhausted. I’m so tired baby, and I can’t… I can’t keep doing this if you’re not going to be honest and you’re going to keep letting this prick break you again. I want to be with you, but not if we’re going to be broken, crumbling messes together.”  
  
I feel a choked sob leave my body as he disappears down the hall and into our bedroom. I’m frozen to the spot; I know I fucked up. I knew that with the first lie I ever told him. I still haven’t moved from my spot in front of the couch when Jojen returns a few minutes later in a jacket and a duffle bag over his shoulder. He doesn’t make eye contact when he walks past me and I feel the air leave my lungs all at once.  
  
“Jojen, stop! Don’t! I know I fucked up, okay? I know it and I’m sorry! I was stupid. What I did was stupid. I wanted to tell you so many times but—.”  
  
“But nothing, Sansa! You lied and that’s that. I need time to think. _Alone_.” He adds, the words clipped and cold. He’s out the front door before I can even register what’s going on and I hear the slam of a car door.  
  
I force my legs to move and I run after him, sobs wracking through my body. I yell his name, not giving a damn about the neighbors, but he doesn’t look up. He’s sitting in the car, staring at his hands, and for a moment, I have a brief glimmer of hope that he’ll get out of the car.  
  
But he doesn’t.  
  
Instead, he slowly puts the car into reverse and backs out of the driveway before taking off down the road. My head spins and I lean over, dry heaving a few times into the grass. I look up as tears cloud my vision and see his taillights growing smaller and fainter as he drives and I collapse into the grass with a hand over my mouth and scream. I scream again and again until there’s nothing left but a growing pit in my stomach.  
  
And I can't help but to scream again.

  
_"You're just a tiny dot on that horizon line—_  
_come on tap those brakes_  
_baby just one time._  
_I know there's nothing stopping you now..._  
_I'm not asking you to turn back around._  
_But I'd settle for a slowdown."_

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't posted in this series in forever! I have a ton of Jojen x Sansa ficlets to post though, so I'll get more of those uploaded soon. 
> 
> I know this one was a bit heavier than most, but I really enjoyed writing this one. It was a bit of a struggle at first since I'm used to writing in third person, past tense. But I'm overall happy with how this one turned out. Sansa's direct POV makes it a little more intense and powerful (in my opinion at least.)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading! (:


End file.
